Walls

An angel from above took me in-

I was in my world wandering.

Spoke words of life

from a honeycomb;

Those eyes of warmth

lightened my soul.

How there used to be great times;

albeit the otherwise too.

I remember me and my angel

going through either.

And both times builded

stronger walls-

protection for our ties.

Walls, I built around us;

Walls, for us;

For me, if I were honest.

Walls, my angel did not want,

since its heart was much larger

than mine.

I became a demon,

when the angel broke the walls

and brought peoples in

between the two of us.

© Joel Yap

New lens!

Feeling excited over my first purchase on eBay. Happy to own another prime lens with a wide aperture. The Nikon 35mm F1.8D!

Yesterday I put up my 50mm for sale but have not decided on the price yet, even now. Now I'm having second thoughts on selling. My new lens is slightly wider than the earlier, just what I need. But the 50mm is a really good lens with almost no distortion at all. Moreover it has contributed to many good works from my photo collections. Just not sure about letting it go.

Before you start to think I'm a lens fetish, I wanted to sell only due to the lack of spare cash for more and more gear. Besides, I already have the new 35mm.
Choices are like this- giving up what you want to get what you want more.
I'm gonna need a camera bag, flashgun and tripod eventually. Not sure if these are worth saying goodbye to the old 50mm. Anyway the trade won't be able to buy me all of the above.

Having said so much, there were and still are things that I commit my money to. No need to say what but these things are important. And if I were to give up on my worthy commitments for some new hobby, I would despise my own character. Oh, and needless to say saving up for further studies. For my sister's even if not for my own.

We'll see.

One day of silence

My mouth had only ever opened to eat, to drink, and to yawn. For today, and pretty much half of the day before.
Why? Thanks to living alone in a room. No wonder Mr. Bean was so weird, special in his own ways. But he had no problem with his way of living. Maybe living alone, after a period of time, has the potential to make you weird. Haha, I'm just guessing. Anyway I am already not that normal to begin with.

I think I have almost forgotten how it feels to only need to open your mouth to eat, drink and yawn. It has been some time since I spent weekends alone not, talking to anyone. For quite a number of weeks(or months) I had been either hanging out with friends from Kluang, in Singapore; or hanging out with friends in Kluang. Today I get the taste of living alone again.

Well, it's nothing new. Last year I spent many weekends in Singapore alone. And I didn't really speak during the week nights either. Only this year did things change. I became a senior, to a few girls who also aspire to become nurses. And I moved into a new place with course mates. However today I just never spoken to anyone.

I am writing now with no intentions of complaining about my day. Some silence might be good for the soul, as long as it doesn't turn me into an antisocial monster living in its own world. Besides, keeping quiet all day beats talking to myself.

My moments of not talking is going to end soon, once I meet a friend for church soon. You know, it's always glad to have friends in a foreign land.

Foto Friday

A lazy Friday afternoon 

following a one-hour pharmacology paper. 

Few more subjects to go! 

Year 2 Semester 1. 

I must end it well, 

for better beginnings.

One step back

As I became politically aware as a late-bloomer, I grew interested in how a nation is run; or should be run. And as I read, listen and learn about how a nation ought to be run, watching how things have been going on in my country, naturally I grew angry. As far as my limited bible knowledge is concerned, my anger towards injustice and the forces of evil is jujstified.

Am I angry towards the wrong that the rulling government is doing, or am I angry with the government?

Every day I feel sad as I turn to the news. Reading of people going about with their business without any fear of God. Race and religion have been diminished to mere political tools to divide and rule. Law now serves the interests of people in power. Et cetera, et cetera. There are hardly any news to make my day. Even if I felt any excitement, it would just be seeing the stupidity of certain people exposed. But this is not joy. It quickly goes away and I end up feeling depressed altogether.

Holy anger. Against what is wrong and unpleasant in God's sight. At which evil trembles at.

Some questions to myself:

1. Are my prayers fueled by anger towards certain groups or love for the country?
2. Is my anger motivated by my love for the country?

Perhaps until my motives are right, I should consider taking a break from reading the news regarding Malaysia.
Perhaps until my motives are right, I am no longer sure of the purpose of my enthusiasm for a better Malaysia, all the prayers and tears.

In Your Kingdom

In Your kingdom, there is truth

In Your kingdom, justice rules

We see Your glory fall in place

Songs of freedom fill the air

As You rule, the unrighteous fall

As You rule, the wicked can not live

The oppressed will shout Your name

And the widows turn to You

As You reign, the lost will be found

As You reign, the blind eyes see

The dead shall sing Your praise

And the lame can run to You

God in heaven, look to us

Hear Your praises rise from earth

We, Your people worship You

Face to face, we are waiting for that Day!

© Joel Yap

Nightmare

Woken up 5 minutes ago by my own dreams! That I went for National Service again.

Need I say more?

Foto Friday

I mentioned a need for a new cell phone soon

during a casual chat with dad one day.

As my current Singaporean phone 

could not be recharged anymore. 

I never wanted another 'black and white' one though,

nor had I ever intended that dad bought me anything.

And he buys me one. 

No, I am not despising the good old solid Nokia phone. 

I am glad to have a father who provides. 

And shall use it happily as I would a new iPhone. 

Perhaps a real new iPhone soon? 

Yes, I will pay.

Dead or Alive?

My fall

  due to

your reactance

  due to

my haunting

  due to

your retreat

  due to

my dependence

  due to

your love?

Or was it even love?

I, now numb to your absence,

breathe in the knowledge of your death-

my willing-perception.

For it the only way I live;

that you died.

Or else I cannot cope with truth-

your leave.

But how am I supposed to deal

with inconsistencies so real?

You breathe,

when I wish you passed away;

yet I wish not see you die.

Conflicts waging wars

in my impaired mind,

forbids me live free.

Should I view you

as dead or alive?

My heart does not wish to even see you!

Should I think of you

as dead or alive?

© Joel Yap