ICU, 4AM

I began to view myself as a real nurse only ever since I started working night shifts.
Most of the doctors and allied health professionals go back to their homes, they have lives to live too. But the patients still need to be taken care of, somebody has to be around.
Nurses on night duty are like guards watching over their patients, making sure they are well through the night. Or at least in the ICU, for, as educated to me by my preceptor, ICU nursing is very much about monitoring; you see something not right, you report it to the doctor.
Well, I like making sure my patients have quality rest, as best as they can take.  

Asystole

My husband has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, he went to the hospital last night due to some shortness of breath but had to wait and be treated in the Emergency Department as there were no beds in the wards. I needed to sleep so I said good night to him over the phone.

This morning I got up and noticed many miss calls from an unfamiliar number a few hours ago, I was still asleep then and therefore did not answer the phone. Anyway, I decide to give my husband a call first just to check on him and the hospital admission status. If everything goes well I would get the children ready and take them to visit their grandfather before lunchtime. I dialed, and I dialed again. 

For every second he did not answer the call I began to worry more. At last the caller ring tone stopped, but the voice on the other end of the line was definitely not my husbands; somehow at that moment my heart sank.
It was a male nurse's voice, asking for my name and availability to make a trip to the hospital, and advising me to make it there as soon as possible.
"What happened to my husband?" I asked, already nearly bursting in tears.
"Sorry, madam, his heart stopped early in the morning, he was resuscitated for about thirty minutes, intubated and thereafter brought to the Intensive Care Unit," said the nurse in a deep voice.
The household and probably immediate neighbours were awaken by my crying; I broke down upon hearing the terrible news and could no longer feel my feet as my daughter had to sit me down and take over speaking to the nurse.

On arrival to the ICU I walked pass a few patients, dreading to see my husband as I may not be able to handle the sight. Alas, I recognised the man there lying unconscious, on a mechanical ventilator helping him breathe. I broke out in tears! I cannot take it! The doctors and nurses were busy around my husband's bed; I waited fifteen minutes and a medical officer comes to explain to me what had happened in the ward earlier this morning. She speaks and she speaks and all that she said did not make any sense to me as her words do not bring my husband back to breathing on his own.

I feel even more helpless and fearful as the doctor's answer fails to comfort me as I enquired, "so will he get up again?"
She can never give me a guarantee, and I cannot blame her for that. 

Just like that, my life will never be the same!

What makes a man?

What differentiates a man from a boy? How does a guy earn his right to be known as a man? Anybody can age but growth is actually a choice. I have gotten into a certain age group where I find myself at times in an awkward position not knowing if my identity should be a man or just the guy that I had been for the past decade. Of course, the latter is more natural, comfortable and convenient, but it is time to grow up and move on.

"A man takes initiative, responsibility and is not afraid of commitment," Lydia Tang.

"A man knows how to rise above his emotions," Paulus Lee. 

I agree with the above, and I know there is much more to being a man than just the above.
No intentions of undermining the roles of my female counterparts here, for life on Earth is no doubt difficult; being a man is challenging. Very challenging. To me, he is supposed to be a leader and provider to his household, in times of adversity he needs to rise up and play the role of a protector and comforter. And there is so much more aside from what I have mentioned.

To me, being a man means doing the right thing even when no one is observing.

For a guy who seems to have been challenging authority and boundaries since childhood, being a man is indeed quite a journey with plenty of obstacles ahead.
Walk with me.
 

First time deployed

To another ward, I was told to report for work this afternoon. The surgical high dependency unit was short on staff today so they required manpower from the other departments. Who knew I was worthy to be deployed to help out at other wards!

Naturally, I was not thrilled when I first found out I was going to be working in an unfamiliar environment, moreover a surgical unit; I did several postings in the orthopaedics discipline and my internship at a surgical ICU, but it has been medical ICU the moment I stepped out of the nursing student uniform. Well, the shift went by and I did okay, with the help of the kind nurses in the ward.

It has been a long time since I filled up a an OT checklist.

And the learning continues.