Night Shift

Walking to the work place while the masses travel home after dinner, buy some supper to ease your hunger. Get changed, get ready to watch the patients through the night. Receive the handover, check on your patients, then turn off the lights. 
 
Faithfully, charting parameters and serving medications; and feeling sorry for the patients who fail to fall asleep. How can one ever rest well when an automatic door opens at least once every hour? 

Come the second half of the shift, you start struggling to stay awake. Write a report, continue watching the patients. Await the dawn of a new day. 

You may go home and rest soon enough.

Why do You Never Run Out of Grace?

In moments like these when I am aware 
of the ugliness within, 
I take of my shoes and dare not face You. 

The promises left unfulfilled,
the wrongs to be corrected,
and what could be but is not yet; 
Proofs of my worth as a steward. 

In moments of facing such truths:
of realisation of my empty-handedness, 
why do You never run out of grace?

© Joel Yap

1, 2, 3, 4, Goodbye.

One 86-year-old admitted for loss of consciousness associated with low blood sugar.
Two days in the Intensive Care Unit.
Three continuous doses of inotropic agents at their respective maximum dosages.
Four limbs mottling away.

Sometimes goodbye can be a merciful thing to say.

© Joel Yap

羊儿 别放弃

来临的路程好艰难，小羊不知能否顺利走完；
牧羊人啊，牧羊人！祢在哪里？
羊儿碰钉子了，跌跌撞撞，迷失方向。

天上的月亮，照亮地上路，希望这点光足以带领羊；
路边的小草长得高，当补充体力与精神的粮食。

前头的道路不好走，但羊儿 别放弃！

© Joel Yap

If I Have Not Thanked You

It is the Third Day of my journey;

you have long let go of my hands

from before Day One.

Do I resent you?

Have I the right to?

Thank you, if I have not thanked you,

for holding on and not giving up

throughout the previous trials of mine.

Why should I hate you

for fearing my true colours?

Why should I keep score-

how we cared for each other?

Love keeps no records of wrongdoings;

neither should it compare acts of kindness.

I stood naked and vulnerable,

counting on your strength;

you could no longer carry on,

hence gave me the right to anger.

But where is my right to blame?

If I have not thanked you, thank you.

© Joel Yap

Scared of You

Your heart turns cold on me-

colder than the snow you see;

Your face turns pale each time

unexpectedly, we meet;

And your fears toward me;

Are these real?

Oblivion of what you think,

no idea how you feel, when you see me.

Are you god, that I must avoid your face?

Is truth more favourable than imagination?

One way to find out- which I dare not take.

For worse, may be true.

I scare you, 

thus I am scared of you.

© Joel Yap

Who Paid the Penalty

The God responsible for Law

is the same God who paid the Penalty;

He who knew no sin Himself

died a convict- that we are.

The hands that formed the heavens

were the hands that gave us bread;

He breathed life into Adam

but lost His on a tree.

He knows the rotten human Sin,

yet never fails to forgive;

So long as we confess to Him-

our Saviour and our King.

© Joel Yap

I Lost Count - Joel Yap

I lost count

how long ago your last ‘hi’,

still unable to accept

the way you said ‘goodbye’.

What I feel, after so long-

does anyone care?

I lost count

of the days we had;

time has a way, of wiping away

cheerful memories better than the sad.

I lost count

how many tear drops fell,

as the silent nights went by.

You face in my dreams, vivid,

that smile- ever so warm;

thus my heart- always this cold.

I refuse to count

the days I must go on

sitting in between memory lanes

confused: where I am;

and where to go!

© Joel Yap

Short Stay

I looked into her eyes, over the phone

and could not bear to answer, “no”

So the two women in my life

came in the name of holiday.

Anxious and frustrated

as I did not know

to entertain people;

For I, myself am a foreigner.

We went as the wind took us.

More important was togetherness.

Then came the time to move on;

I looked into her eyes, face-to-face

and could not bear to say goodbye.

©Joel Yap

Walls

An angel from above took me in-

I was in my world wandering.

Spoke words of life

from a honeycomb;

Those eyes of warmth

lightened my soul.

How there used to be great times;

albeit the otherwise too.

I remember me and my angel

going through either.

And both times builded

stronger walls-

protection for our ties.

Walls, I built around us;

Walls, for us;

For me, if I were honest.

Walls, my angel did not want,

since its heart was much larger

than mine.

I became a demon,

when the angel broke the walls

and brought peoples in

between the two of us.

© Joel Yap

In Your Kingdom

In Your kingdom, there is truth

In Your kingdom, justice rules

We see Your glory fall in place

Songs of freedom fill the air

As You rule, the unrighteous fall

As You rule, the wicked can not live

The oppressed will shout Your name

And the widows turn to You

As You reign, the lost will be found

As You reign, the blind eyes see

The dead shall sing Your praise

And the lame can run to You

God in heaven, look to us

Hear Your praises rise from earth

We, Your people worship You

Face to face, we are waiting for that Day!

© Joel Yap

Dead or Alive?

My fall

  due to

your reactance

  due to

my haunting

  due to

your retreat

  due to

my dependence

  due to

your love?

Or was it even love?

I, now numb to your absence,

breathe in the knowledge of your death-

my willing-perception.

For it the only way I live;

that you died.

Or else I cannot cope with truth-

your leave.

But how am I supposed to deal

with inconsistencies so real?

You breathe,

when I wish you passed away;

yet I wish not see you die.

Conflicts waging wars

in my impaired mind,

forbids me live free.

Should I view you

as dead or alive?

My heart does not wish to even see you!

Should I think of you

as dead or alive?

© Joel Yap

Touch

Happiness.

Dare I claim,

back when we were companions.

Anger.

When you left,

as I rotted in the ground.

Now I know,

my pleasures displeased you.

I should have known.

But you loved me,

didn’t you?

Do not answer.

Quality time.

I craved

for us.

Compassionate words.

Flooding

our conversations.

Acts of service.

My pride gladly

in meeting your needs.

Giving items.

Tokens of thought

I learnt.

Physical touch.

Magic

opened up my heart.

Touch:

my language distorted, abused;

turned me sad and confused.

© Joel Yap

Bishop

You became a bishop

I was on your side

when I became one like you

we could never meet again

I then realised

How foolish

was I

© Joel Yap

The Sky is Singing

The sky is singing,

pouring life unto earth.

Its cotton soaked through,

bringing rain to us.

The sky is roaring,

we can not disrespect.

The sound of thunders dance,

loudness fills below.

Waters from above reaching

right beneath the ground.

Passing by our eyes,

through centuries of soil;

Springs of well-being,

blessings be mankind to.

© Joel Yap

Never Enough

Everything I gave

Every word I spake

Never enough for you

When the morning waked

Time for you to rise

Your idle hands were tied

All the victories

All those battles won

Did nothing for your good

See the blood you shed

Every tear I cried

Your bitterness remains

Bless the past we shared

Bless the love I’ve shown

You always failed to see

© Joel Yap

Walk with Me

Leading you,

walking with you;

Trust that, I am good.

Take my hand,

bring yourself

into a brighter world.

I do-

not fear the storms

that come

against you.

Been there;

I am here to lead you.

Find rest your soul,

come take my hand,

Walk with me.

© Joel Yap

大年初一首几分

Happy Chinese New Year to all! Here are some words I penned down upon midnight, when some people of Kluang started lighting up the sky in the neighbourhood.

大年初一首几分

炮竹声声

天暗 添了色

瞬间再不黑

明灯升升

取代星星 闪

一去不回头

子女生生

外出社会 献

勿忘思故亲

© Joel Yap

Warm Night

It was a cool night in Kluang with a breeze but the night was warm. What a relief to see for myself that the floods had subsided. I showed up at the doorstep and gave mother a fright, for she was expecting me only tonight. A homecoming hug followed by some simple chats; then my stomach started growling. Finally went on my bike, headed out to town for supper with some peers. The winds were blowing strongly, so fun to ride again; it has been a long time ever since I last did. Great to be riding again; greater to see my friends.

It was a cold night after a long rain. I slept with a blanket once again; it has been a long time too since I last did. Beneath the blanket I was in long sleeves; it too, has been a long time since I did.

And it was a warm night in Kluang.

Haiku- Cactus Shall I Be

How long has it been,

since the days turned weeks, turned months;

Not too long ago.

Have I not long grown,

familiar with silence of

a party gone wrong?

Do I missed those days,

Morning Glory shined with ease;

Support from a fence.

Could not walk on wheels,

there was you to ferry me;

Happiest of mine.

I sing a sad song,

to remember the good times:

Where there you for me!

Now you are no more,

Flower left in wilderness;

Cactus- shall I be.

© Joel Yap