Time to bring down the Christmas tree.
Time to return to mundane daily lives;
and remember to find joy in daily living.
Friday, December 30
Friday, December 23
Foto Friday
Children.
One thing I am envious about them- their innocence.
One thing I can no longer possess.
Wednesday, December 21
Frustrations
One after another, they come! However I think that certain incidents have been the way they had been long before I felt the frustrations toward them. When you are not in the mood, I believe, you would not be able to accept some things that you used to accept before. In other words, your tolerance level drops.
I am frustrated over many things for the past few days. Things happened, followed by more things to happen. It's like all of a sudden the whole world seems to be against you. Besides that, the whole world owes you an apology! I understand that many of the things I feel are not true, and I am going to be alright as soon as I calm down.
Mother noticed that my acne has gotten worse, today as I was driving. The amount of stress and pressure I face is written on my face. Well, hope I get a clearer complexion soon.
Learning. To be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.
I am frustrated over many things for the past few days. Things happened, followed by more things to happen. It's like all of a sudden the whole world seems to be against you. Besides that, the whole world owes you an apology! I understand that many of the things I feel are not true, and I am going to be alright as soon as I calm down.
Mother noticed that my acne has gotten worse, today as I was driving. The amount of stress and pressure I face is written on my face. Well, hope I get a clearer complexion soon.
Learning. To be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.
Friday, December 16
Humbled
By the painful lesson I had to learn. A failure unexpected, thanks to my apathetical behaviour prior to a simple skills assessment.
Yesterday I took the assessment once more, as my second attempt. Praise God, I passed with excellence, not that I want to boast about how good I was; but both the examiner and I agreed that my performance was good. Next, results for another assessment- Human Bioscience practical test, came out today. As announced in the lecture theatre, six students in the lecture group attained perfect scores. That is 30 right answers for 30 questions. The lecturer mentioned that two persons from my tutorial group were among those who achieved perfect scores. One female, one male. Again, I am not boasting, but everyone in the tutorial group, I believe, knew that the male student mentioned was unlikely to be anyone other than myself.
"All thanks and glory to God," was my immediate response that came to mind. I later paused and pondered: where has that cheeky and proud spirit gone to? Usually I would smirk slightly(but secretly) whenever my so-to-say achievements go public. In the past there used to be some form of pride, the kind of "I am better than many of you" attitude. Of course, many of you may not have noticed it since I am such a successful hypocrite.
Today, I received a piece of good news with a different response.
Am grateful. Am proud; and am humbled. I am happy.
Learning humility; knowing God is with me.
Yesterday I took the assessment once more, as my second attempt. Praise God, I passed with excellence, not that I want to boast about how good I was; but both the examiner and I agreed that my performance was good. Next, results for another assessment- Human Bioscience practical test, came out today. As announced in the lecture theatre, six students in the lecture group attained perfect scores. That is 30 right answers for 30 questions. The lecturer mentioned that two persons from my tutorial group were among those who achieved perfect scores. One female, one male. Again, I am not boasting, but everyone in the tutorial group, I believe, knew that the male student mentioned was unlikely to be anyone other than myself.
"All thanks and glory to God," was my immediate response that came to mind. I later paused and pondered: where has that cheeky and proud spirit gone to? Usually I would smirk slightly(but secretly) whenever my so-to-say achievements go public. In the past there used to be some form of pride, the kind of "I am better than many of you" attitude. Of course, many of you may not have noticed it since I am such a successful hypocrite.
Today, I received a piece of good news with a different response.
Am grateful. Am proud; and am humbled. I am happy.
Learning humility; knowing God is with me.
Sunday, December 11
Waking up
Does your life revolve around schedules and plans? Are you giving your alarm clocks power over yourselves? As for me, setting tomorrow's alarm is practically a must-do daily. At times, a single day may require more than one alarm ringing time.
Whenever I get to rest my head, 'what to do next' and 'at what time' are essentially the questions I am forced to ask myself before really resting.
This sucks. Haha! Hi, Joel. Welcome to Earth.
Well, it's a Saturday night. I go to church tomorrow. Therefore I need to fall asleep in time in order to get adequate rest for the next day; so no drinking tea tonight. Besides that, I have to wake up on time otherwise I would be late and in turn break a promise made to a friend- to meet up at the train station before walking to church; so no alcohol tonight.
Looks like 'what to do next' and 'at what time' control more than just my alarm clock, they also have a say in my diet! Or fluid consumption, for the matter. Welcome to Earth.
Good night, and have a good week ahead. Don't forget to make good use of your alarms and planners, maximise your efficiencies!
Whenever I get to rest my head, 'what to do next' and 'at what time' are essentially the questions I am forced to ask myself before really resting.
This sucks. Haha! Hi, Joel. Welcome to Earth.
Well, it's a Saturday night. I go to church tomorrow. Therefore I need to fall asleep in time in order to get adequate rest for the next day; so no drinking tea tonight. Besides that, I have to wake up on time otherwise I would be late and in turn break a promise made to a friend- to meet up at the train station before walking to church; so no alcohol tonight.
Looks like 'what to do next' and 'at what time' control more than just my alarm clock, they also have a say in my diet! Or fluid consumption, for the matter. Welcome to Earth.
Good night, and have a good week ahead. Don't forget to make good use of your alarms and planners, maximise your efficiencies!
Friday, December 9
Foto Friday
Have I lost the joy of reaching Your heart,
with the guitar You placed in my hands?
I remember a lot of things;
I now see a lot of detached emotions.
What has happened?
Tuesday, December 6
Humility
Attention: Teaching in progress
The learning topic is as stated in the title above.
The learning topic is as stated in the title above.
Humility is a lesson God is teaching me now, I know it. I also know that it isn't something easy to embrace. But one should practise it nonetheless.
I am good at some of the things I do, within certain social groups in which I possess memberships in. In other words, I am better in certain areas when compared to some of my peers. Not that it made me a snob though. The advantage of being better has its disadvantages as well, ironically. Nobody is perfect, I just happen to be found in a place where many of my peers tend to look up to me, they know who to turn to when in need of sound advice; at least I innocently believe so.
Pride comes before fall. I knew my pride had been given opportunity to grow, thus my guard in turn went down. I knew today that I had become too laid-back. And God needed to allow me some failure lest my character diminishes any further. Now, looking back, I am able to identify a few near misses where I almost fell, in the past. Well, now I know they were lessons to learn. Alas, people don't learn when it doesn't hurt. Those near falls before weren't enough to teach me the lesson of humility, apparently. Thus justifying what happened to me this day.
"I need Thy thunder, O my God; Thy music will not serve Thee," said John Donne.
Sigh, had I listened to the gentle whispers, this failure may not be necessary.
Sunday, December 4
Toys
A friend of mine was kind enough to remember me when she had free movie tickets. A few of us went to watch the Tintin movie last week.
As Christmas draws near, I want to remember a few friends from back home too. Took the opportunity to do some shopping, conveniently, as we were still waiting for our movie. At that point of time I specifically had a dear boy in mind- an eight-year-old whose improvement in academics was plausible; he even received the Model Student award in his primary school, I found out from the proud grandmother. Very happy for him and had been wanting to give him something since his birthday, which was a few months ago!
What would an eight-year-old boy want? I was eight years old before and I knew where to find his gift.
Stepped into ToysRus for the first time in Singapore. I was told by my friend that I looked like I saw heaven! Or as if Moses stood on Promised Land. The store was huge and full of toys! Fun stuff for almost every age group, especially below 12. You name it, ToysRus has it. At an instance, my senses brought me to where the boys' stuff were. There were figures from Star Wars and Transformers, and of course many other stories as well, but I was concentrating on these two. I felt like a little boy once again, mesmerized by the quantity of the toys and wishing I had most of them. Looking and choosing, looking and choosing. In the end I realised I was there for a boy, not myself. Picked up an Autobot suitable for the kid's age and got out of thePromised Land toy store.
Growing up, I used to play with toys too. Not only that, I remember vividly even talking to some of them! The children's department or toys section must always be visited each time my family went out shopping albeit the fact that many times our trip to the supermarket was for groceries. Shopping meant looking at and sometimes owning new toys. Mom and dad didn't earn big money. We were okay financially but we weren't bathing with milk and using dollar bills as tissue paper. However, as children, how many would be aware of social classes? All children know to do is play together; some are taught to share and take turns whereas some might behave a little ill-mannered. I was a child, like many others, who liked playing and ever open to receiving new play objects.I was a boy who would sometimes pester my parents for the latest Lego or action figures. Unfortunately, or fortunately, most of my wishes weren't granted. Just as life is yesterday, today and forever; on Earth, most of your wishes don't come true, and they shouldn't lest there be chaos all over the world. So, I wanted many things which my family couldn't afford. Nevertheless my sister and I had ample toys to play with, thanks to being born much later than most of our cousins. (Dad is the youngest among ten other siblings!)
Sister and I played with lots of hand-me-downs. But dad and mom would occasionally buy us new toys. I remember crystal clear even till today for wanting a Robocop so badly that I kept asking mommy for it for my tenth birthday. (Tears are building up in my eyes now as I ruminate on this) That wish came through; it felt like the happiest day of my life back then. Now it feels stupid to have wanted a Robocop so much. Haha! Now I find toys practically useless though they were once the greatest treasures. Mommy and daddy didn't have money to splurge on play items that were practically useless, but they still bought us new toys once in a blue moon despite having abundant sources of used ones from our extended family. By the way, I kept asking for so many things from my parents but never paused to think about how they might have felt each time they had to reject my request. Sigh.
Love means sacrifice. Now, having long grown up from being a naughty boy, my eyes are opened. To how much of a rascal I had been as well as how much my parents loved me and love me still. Amazing how feelings are able to mix, not something Rocket Science can explain- I feel bad, yet loved.
Love means giving even though you might never receive anything in return. Parents have no way of making sure how well will they one day be treated by their children, but that cannot stop parents from loving.
I am grateful for having enjoyed a good enough childhood; happy that my parents are still alive and well. This blog post was not meant to make myself or anyone cry like the way I am brought to tears now, just some thoughts as I bought a toy for a little boy.
As Christmas draws near, I want to remember a few friends from back home too. Took the opportunity to do some shopping, conveniently, as we were still waiting for our movie. At that point of time I specifically had a dear boy in mind- an eight-year-old whose improvement in academics was plausible; he even received the Model Student award in his primary school, I found out from the proud grandmother. Very happy for him and had been wanting to give him something since his birthday, which was a few months ago!
What would an eight-year-old boy want? I was eight years old before and I knew where to find his gift.
Stepped into ToysRus for the first time in Singapore. I was told by my friend that I looked like I saw heaven! Or as if Moses stood on Promised Land. The store was huge and full of toys! Fun stuff for almost every age group, especially below 12. You name it, ToysRus has it. At an instance, my senses brought me to where the boys' stuff were. There were figures from Star Wars and Transformers, and of course many other stories as well, but I was concentrating on these two. I felt like a little boy once again, mesmerized by the quantity of the toys and wishing I had most of them. Looking and choosing, looking and choosing. In the end I realised I was there for a boy, not myself. Picked up an Autobot suitable for the kid's age and got out of the
Growing up, I used to play with toys too. Not only that, I remember vividly even talking to some of them! The children's department or toys section must always be visited each time my family went out shopping albeit the fact that many times our trip to the supermarket was for groceries. Shopping meant looking at and sometimes owning new toys. Mom and dad didn't earn big money. We were okay financially but we weren't bathing with milk and using dollar bills as tissue paper. However, as children, how many would be aware of social classes? All children know to do is play together; some are taught to share and take turns whereas some might behave a little ill-mannered. I was a child, like many others, who liked playing and ever open to receiving new play objects.I was a boy who would sometimes pester my parents for the latest Lego or action figures. Unfortunately, or fortunately, most of my wishes weren't granted. Just as life is yesterday, today and forever; on Earth, most of your wishes don't come true, and they shouldn't lest there be chaos all over the world. So, I wanted many things which my family couldn't afford. Nevertheless my sister and I had ample toys to play with, thanks to being born much later than most of our cousins. (Dad is the youngest among ten other siblings!)
Sister and I played with lots of hand-me-downs. But dad and mom would occasionally buy us new toys. I remember crystal clear even till today for wanting a Robocop so badly that I kept asking mommy for it for my tenth birthday. (Tears are building up in my eyes now as I ruminate on this) That wish came through; it felt like the happiest day of my life back then. Now it feels stupid to have wanted a Robocop so much. Haha! Now I find toys practically useless though they were once the greatest treasures. Mommy and daddy didn't have money to splurge on play items that were practically useless, but they still bought us new toys once in a blue moon despite having abundant sources of used ones from our extended family. By the way, I kept asking for so many things from my parents but never paused to think about how they might have felt each time they had to reject my request. Sigh.
Love means sacrifice. Now, having long grown up from being a naughty boy, my eyes are opened. To how much of a rascal I had been as well as how much my parents loved me and love me still. Amazing how feelings are able to mix, not something Rocket Science can explain- I feel bad, yet loved.
Love means giving even though you might never receive anything in return. Parents have no way of making sure how well will they one day be treated by their children, but that cannot stop parents from loving.
I am grateful for having enjoyed a good enough childhood; happy that my parents are still alive and well. This blog post was not meant to make myself or anyone cry like the way I am brought to tears now, just some thoughts as I bought a toy for a little boy.
Friday, December 2
Foto Friday
It isn't easy, life isn't easy albeit it was meant to be.
How nice if life was easy!
Decisions are tough to make, no best solution.
How nice if decision making was simple!
Let go. Of sources of dilemma.
Bid goodbye to unnecessary pain.
Saturday, November 26
美丽的星空
夜了，暗了； 我的心却亮了。 美丽的星空， 你实在太漂亮了。
我 巴不得在路边躺下， 整晚不睡觉也罢， 只求能欣赏你的美！
在我生命最痛苦的一段期间 是你的陪伴助了我勉强渡过难关。
若能永远在你看顾之下， 我 毫无别求！
天啊， 请你别让太阳夺走 夜晚的美丽！
不要啊! 不要啊!
我 巴不得在路边躺下， 整晚不睡觉也罢， 只求能欣赏你的美！
在我生命最痛苦的一段期间 是你的陪伴助了我勉强渡过难关。
若能永远在你看顾之下， 我 毫无别求！
天啊， 请你别让太阳夺走 夜晚的美丽！
不要啊! 不要啊!
Monday, November 21
Teh-O
A few mornings ago I was afraid of lacking concentration skills for the lectures, thanks to lacking in sleep in the previous night(s). It was a day of multiple lectures, and I am not the kind to sleep during lessons, or distract others, for that matter. Aware of my sleep deficit then, I told myself to turn to some caffeine lest I really dozed off.
Conveniently, I stopped by Gloria Jean's on the way to class, to take away a drink there. Something definitely out of the norm, personally. Browsing through the menu for the first time in my life, I quickly picked something as I felt uneasy being the only customer there because it was still quite early. You can say that I did not wish to let the bartender know I was inexperienced in drinking coffee. So I ordered an espresso, because the name sounded nice. Oh, also because the actors drank it in one of the American TV series I watched and still remember. However, just moments after paying for the espresso I had something else to remember, maybe for the rest of my life! The taste of that drink was horrible! Felt like an idiot for pretending to be over cleverly health-conscious, by attempting to have the espresso without any sugar. For a good few hours, that taste was vivid and causing nausea; albeit having added some sugar to the drink eventually.
Yesterday I tried going to a different cafe. This time to sit down to some lazy afternoon time alone. No more rushing and certainly no classes to attend. I ordered a simple coffee instead, being fearful of another unpleasant experience. And I didn't know if it was a good thing or bad- the coffee, creamer and sugar came seperately. Therefore I took small sips whilst carefully experimenting with the additives. Ordered a slice of chocolate cake with hazelnuts to compensate for the bitter tastes of coffee. Now, I would be dishonest to say I enjoyed the coffee yesterday. Nevertheless I had a good time- reading a book, quitely, in spite of all the noises; that cafe was in a buzy mall on a Sunday evening, and it rained. By the way, the cafe was also kind enough to provide free-flow of cold drinking water! Am grateful for that.
This, I went to the college canteen and bought teh-O. And it was good.
I am really just an ordinary teh-O person. A guy with no such money to splurge on fancy drinks at fancy cafes everyday. Teh-O from a neighbourhood coffee shop, though simple but can be more satisfying to me than all the espressos, latte and expensive teas in the world. Looks like I will not be comfortable living in a higher social class than the one I was born, raised and still am in right now. Why should people struggle so hard just to move up higher? Worse still, why do some people feel ashamed of where they came from; when there is nothing wrong with where they came from?
Society is such that I do not understand. Yet I am just as fallen.
Conveniently, I stopped by Gloria Jean's on the way to class, to take away a drink there. Something definitely out of the norm, personally. Browsing through the menu for the first time in my life, I quickly picked something as I felt uneasy being the only customer there because it was still quite early. You can say that I did not wish to let the bartender know I was inexperienced in drinking coffee. So I ordered an espresso, because the name sounded nice. Oh, also because the actors drank it in one of the American TV series I watched and still remember. However, just moments after paying for the espresso I had something else to remember, maybe for the rest of my life! The taste of that drink was horrible! Felt like an idiot for pretending to be over cleverly health-conscious, by attempting to have the espresso without any sugar. For a good few hours, that taste was vivid and causing nausea; albeit having added some sugar to the drink eventually.
Yesterday I tried going to a different cafe. This time to sit down to some lazy afternoon time alone. No more rushing and certainly no classes to attend. I ordered a simple coffee instead, being fearful of another unpleasant experience. And I didn't know if it was a good thing or bad- the coffee, creamer and sugar came seperately. Therefore I took small sips whilst carefully experimenting with the additives. Ordered a slice of chocolate cake with hazelnuts to compensate for the bitter tastes of coffee. Now, I would be dishonest to say I enjoyed the coffee yesterday. Nevertheless I had a good time- reading a book, quitely, in spite of all the noises; that cafe was in a buzy mall on a Sunday evening, and it rained. By the way, the cafe was also kind enough to provide free-flow of cold drinking water! Am grateful for that.
This, I went to the college canteen and bought teh-O. And it was good.
I am really just an ordinary teh-O person. A guy with no such money to splurge on fancy drinks at fancy cafes everyday. Teh-O from a neighbourhood coffee shop, though simple but can be more satisfying to me than all the espressos, latte and expensive teas in the world. Looks like I will not be comfortable living in a higher social class than the one I was born, raised and still am in right now. Why should people struggle so hard just to move up higher? Worse still, why do some people feel ashamed of where they came from; when there is nothing wrong with where they came from?
Society is such that I do not understand. Yet I am just as fallen.
Friday, November 18
Friday, November 11
Saturday, November 5
Dare You To Move
Maybe redemption has stories to tell
maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor.
Sunday, October 30
Can't say "No"
"Hey, would you mind covering up for my duty on this day?"
"Was wondering, are you interested in attending this event on this day?"
"Can you come to help so-and-so to do this-and-that please?"
And the list of example requests goes on. I'm sure it would be almost quite impossible if you have never been asked for a favour or some form of help. If you really are an exception, maybe you're the king of the universe or nobody likes you at all.
I took notice of a behaviour of mine lately, that is, agreeing(kind of) to a request and later, back out. To a certain extent I might had been breaking promises albeit not wanting to do so; on the other hand I may not be that bad, just realising that I agreed to do stuff that I cannot(or did not want to) commit to. Isn't it quite a bad habit to say "sorry, no," after saying, "yes" to a person? This is really not the way I wish to live my life, because I simply do not fancy the idea of breaking promises. Had promises to me being broken in the past, I understand and hate the feelings that such unpleasant experiences bring. Thus it is only natural for me to not want to fail in fulfilling my own promises to others. Having said that, why do I still behave like this? Saying "yes" then say "sorry"!
Lacking the wisdom and courage to say, "no" to people?
Really hate it when I make a promise to somebody and then later regret it. Guess I'll just have to consciously and responsibly fulfill promises without chickening out in the last few minutes. Regardless of how my feelings might be, may I add. Or learn to say no.
"Was wondering, are you interested in attending this event on this day?"
"Can you come to help so-and-so to do this-and-that please?"
And the list of example requests goes on. I'm sure it would be almost quite impossible if you have never been asked for a favour or some form of help. If you really are an exception, maybe you're the king of the universe or nobody likes you at all.
I took notice of a behaviour of mine lately, that is, agreeing(kind of) to a request and later, back out. To a certain extent I might had been breaking promises albeit not wanting to do so; on the other hand I may not be that bad, just realising that I agreed to do stuff that I cannot(or did not want to) commit to. Isn't it quite a bad habit to say "sorry, no," after saying, "yes" to a person? This is really not the way I wish to live my life, because I simply do not fancy the idea of breaking promises. Had promises to me being broken in the past, I understand and hate the feelings that such unpleasant experiences bring. Thus it is only natural for me to not want to fail in fulfilling my own promises to others. Having said that, why do I still behave like this? Saying "yes" then say "sorry"!
Lacking the wisdom and courage to say, "no" to people?
- Wisdom: Discernment in prioritizing between needs and wants. Sorry to say, some people may just be lazy while others might be in real need of help. Besides that, discernment also to look into my capacity to perform the tasks requested; my abilities, internal and external resources.
- Courage: To let my "yes" be "yes," whereas my "no," "no".
Really hate it when I make a promise to somebody and then later regret it. Guess I'll just have to consciously and responsibly fulfill promises without chickening out in the last few minutes. Regardless of how my feelings might be, may I add. Or learn to say no.
Thursday, October 27
Short Stay
I looked into her eyes, over the phone
and could not bear to answer, “no”
So the two women in my life
came in the name of holiday.
Anxious and frustrated
as I did not know
to entertain people;
For I, myself am a foreigner.
We went as the wind took us.
More important was togetherness.
Then came the time to move on;
I looked into her eyes, face-to-face
and could not bear to say goodbye.
©Joel Yap
Saturday, October 22
Moving Mountains
"...if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you," said Jesus, in Matthew 17:20.
The other day I just had lunch at Subway with a few college mates, and I requested for mustard sauce in my sandwich rather than the usual- mayonnaise. In case you did not know, I always prefer mayonnaise. "Mayonnaise please," would be my reply almost every time whenever someone gave me a choice between chilli and ketchup. Big deal, so, what? Haha, sorry I couldn't resist talking about mayonnaise. It has been nearly two weeks since I last consumed mayonnaise.
Another thing which I could not resist then, whilst having lunch, was to try to figure out how my sauce was made. I found my answers soon after that day's classes ended. Mustard seeds! If you have not already known, what does a mustard seed look like, you may go ahead and make use of an online search machine; just like how I learnt about making mustard sauce.
Anyway my point in the paragraph above was just to get you to have an idea of the size of a mustard seed. No, you don't have to make me any mustard sauce. Digressing.
Having faith as small as a mustard seed? Did Jesus forgot to mention how much a mustard seed weighs? Or were the mustard seeds much heavier two millennia ago? Notice I already have three questions here, and I haven't even gotten to the part where He talked about moving mountains! Perhaps faith is so strong that the ratio of it, to how much it can achieve is that great. However, wouldn't a mustard seed be too easily blown away by the wind? The ups and downs in life, are stuff that we can never escape from experiencing. Both the earlier and latter are more than capable of shaking faith. I have seen great men fall in their success; yet strong men who give up fighting after losing just a few battles. Is faith as small as a mustard seed enough to withstand the storms life has to offer? Why did Jesus not choose a durian seed or a coconut instead? My suggestions are definitely better than the mustard seed, right?
Perhaps Jesus was trying to show us that the mountains in our way are nothing if we were less faithless. Well, throughout history, God always enjoyed shaming the powerful with the insignificant or the less-qualified. The giant from the Philistines was defeated by a young chap named David. A little pebble was all it took to bring the proud Goliath down. Thus the ratio stands. Little is enough to do much.
Imagine what we can do if we had enough faith. Faith in the right things, the right truth and the right God. Just think about how much we can achieve, had we no need to worry about how to get to our dreams, given the correct motives. Imagine having nothing to hold you back. Imagine youself with no limitations, since God is on your side. You have potential to conquer mountains after mountains, you just need faith as you can take for granted that strength will be provided. Hah! Think about that- faith to believe that strength is provided. Along with the required resources too, for the matter.
Looking at the potential of faith, I must say that we can be very powerful people. Yet why do some of us seem to be living such defeated lives?
Is your mustard seed moving a mountain, or is the mountain too huge? Nothing can be impossible, claim that truth today.
Wednesday, October 19
There was chilli in my food
On the way back from a Christian gathering at college this evening, I bought duck rice for dinner. Took away rather than to dine alone at the coffee shop. Because I wanted a bath first, and my arms were loaded. Had quite a bit of weight to carry- a guitar and notebook, so I was pretty tired, not forgetting all the walking in the drizzle as well.
Anyway it was only until I had bathed, settled myself down and gone into a more relaxed mood, when I realised there was chilli sause in my rice. How great. After a long day, you finally begin to rest. Come dinner time, you open up the food packaging to find something you dislike. I do not mean to complain at all, but couldn't the hawker just be kind enough to ask before giving his customers chilli?
On the contrary as this might seem; having written what I wrote in the above paragraph, I agree to pouring chilli sause in with the rice instead of seperating the two. Surely you must have noticed seperate packets of chilli when you take away, assuming you are buying food like rice, noodles; not fruits or cheese cakes. I am in the opinion that chilli can and should be packed together with your duck rice, chicken rice, etc. as I am always for reducing plastic usage. Too much plastic are being unnecessarily wasted in our every day lives! This is an environmental issue that must be addressed at all levels of society. If every hawker were to save that one piece of plastic that was originally for a portion of seasoning, the amount of plastic saved can definitely be substantial.
Reducing plastic usage is a plausible act of kindness to our Mother Earth, however please do ask if I want the chilli sause, can? I am not upset that the guy did not seperate chilli from the duck rice he sold; I am upset because he did not seperate mine. Usually I would return the packet of chilli wherever I buy food. Little did I expect to find the sause in my rice.
There was chilli in my food.
Anyway it was only until I had bathed, settled myself down and gone into a more relaxed mood, when I realised there was chilli sause in my rice. How great. After a long day, you finally begin to rest. Come dinner time, you open up the food packaging to find something you dislike. I do not mean to complain at all, but couldn't the hawker just be kind enough to ask before giving his customers chilli?
On the contrary as this might seem; having written what I wrote in the above paragraph, I agree to pouring chilli sause in with the rice instead of seperating the two. Surely you must have noticed seperate packets of chilli when you take away, assuming you are buying food like rice, noodles; not fruits or cheese cakes. I am in the opinion that chilli can and should be packed together with your duck rice, chicken rice, etc. as I am always for reducing plastic usage. Too much plastic are being unnecessarily wasted in our every day lives! This is an environmental issue that must be addressed at all levels of society. If every hawker were to save that one piece of plastic that was originally for a portion of seasoning, the amount of plastic saved can definitely be substantial.
Reducing plastic usage is a plausible act of kindness to our Mother Earth, however please do ask if I want the chilli sause, can? I am not upset that the guy did not seperate chilli from the duck rice he sold; I am upset because he did not seperate mine. Usually I would return the packet of chilli wherever I buy food. Little did I expect to find the sause in my rice.
There was chilli in my food.
Friday, October 14
Of dying and living
Before dying, you learn how to live;
After dying, you live.
Before death, how you live determines where, after dying, are you going to live.
After dying, you live.
Before death, how you live determines where, after dying, are you going to live.
Thursday, October 13
New email
Suffering from a slight insomnia as I write. In fact, the reason I am online now is due to the frustration of my inability to fall asleep. It sucks.
So I got out of bed and in front of my home desktop. Because my blogs were on my busy mind, which was trying so hard to relax. I kept thinking, over and over again, about my Google account. You see, I sign in with my Gmail account name. killerwhale91 was the best I could think of, a few years ago. Now, for some reason, apparently, I am not satisfied with the username. Well, when I first registered for a Google account I liked whales. But looks like now I don't want my email address to be named after one. Or do I just not want people to know my age that easily?
For the sake of a peace of mind, I had to create a new Gmail and Google account. Lucky for me, I don't use Gmail much. I only use my Google account for Blogger and Youtube. So it was not such a tedious task to move everything over.
Anyway, now it is yapyapjoel@gmail.com! Not that many people are going to write to me.
Back to bed!
So I got out of bed and in front of my home desktop. Because my blogs were on my busy mind, which was trying so hard to relax. I kept thinking, over and over again, about my Google account. You see, I sign in with my Gmail account name. killerwhale91 was the best I could think of, a few years ago. Now, for some reason, apparently, I am not satisfied with the username. Well, when I first registered for a Google account I liked whales. But looks like now I don't want my email address to be named after one. Or do I just not want people to know my age that easily?
For the sake of a peace of mind, I had to create a new Gmail and Google account. Lucky for me, I don't use Gmail much. I only use my Google account for Blogger and Youtube. So it was not such a tedious task to move everything over.
Anyway, now it is yapyapjoel@gmail.com! Not that many people are going to write to me.
Back to bed!
Monday, October 3
Of dying and marrying
Two of these once in a lifetime events mentioned as titled are independant of each other, as far as my intentions of writing here are concerned.
Why write? Maybe it's just the time of the year when so many people are getting married. Something to do with the Lunar calendar? Chinese poeple favour the number eight. And this is apparently the eighth month according to the Lunar calendar. Anyway my point is that recently, the carparks of Chinese restaurants have been packed almost everyday. I noticed whilst driving past these restaurants at which are known for hosting wedding banquets.
Besides, I hear of friends as well as friends of friends, getting married. Too bad I had not attended any wedding ceremonies lately.
Seeing and hearing of new marriages somehow gets you thinking about it. Or is it just me? When will it be my turn? Am I even supposed to get married too, or stay single? What will life be like for me as well as the community I am in then, after the wedding? Am I even ready for marriage?
Digressing. Recently there had been a few deaths that occured. And I attended one funeral followed by another memorial service, within the same week. Different persons, if you might be in need of clearer explanations.
Hearing of deaths somehow gets you thinking about it. Or is it just me? When will it be my turn? How will it happen? What will life be like for me as well as the community I am in then, after my departure? Am I even ready for death? If not, what am I doing about it?
Why write? Maybe it's just the time of the year when so many people are getting married. Something to do with the Lunar calendar? Chinese poeple favour the number eight. And this is apparently the eighth month according to the Lunar calendar. Anyway my point is that recently, the carparks of Chinese restaurants have been packed almost everyday. I noticed whilst driving past these restaurants at which are known for hosting wedding banquets.
Besides, I hear of friends as well as friends of friends, getting married. Too bad I had not attended any wedding ceremonies lately.
Seeing and hearing of new marriages somehow gets you thinking about it. Or is it just me? When will it be my turn? Am I even supposed to get married too, or stay single? What will life be like for me as well as the community I am in then, after the wedding? Am I even ready for marriage?
Digressing. Recently there had been a few deaths that occured. And I attended one funeral followed by another memorial service, within the same week. Different persons, if you might be in need of clearer explanations.
Hearing of deaths somehow gets you thinking about it. Or is it just me? When will it be my turn? How will it happen? What will life be like for me as well as the community I am in then, after my departure? Am I even ready for death? If not, what am I doing about it?
Sunday, September 25
Ace
Since elementary school, I had always been an average student. Or at times fell slightly below average but nothing bad enough to worry about.
You must know, I enjoyed examinations while others dreaded them. However, only because of the temporal cease of lessons in the classroom and thus schoolwork as well. I liked exams but never really studied just for the sake of scoring. As young as a child, I had witnessed peers losing freedom and playtime, each time a test was round the corner. I could not be with my best friends, before and during an exam period since their parents grounded them as if they were being prepared for war.
Not trying to boast here, but I never could see the need to study hard for exams in order to do better than the rest of the class. I have seen the ugliness of unhealthy competitions for good grades. Worse still, more often than not, the competitions were among parents. Poor children suffering and bearing burdens that were placed on their shoulders by the parents who keep on comparing. Ugly, and wrong.
Bearing all these in mind, I always(tried to) fulfilled my responsibilities as a student by making some form of preparations for tests. But I was careful not to revised just to pass the exam, treated everything as a learning process instead. Well, maybe except for thecorrupted history syllabus. Anyway, I can confidently say that I went through examinations after examinations without a competing spirit that seeks to be superior to my peers. Again, not trying to boast. By the way, of course some stress and competition is good in a sense that it makes you want to excel, please also do not misunderstand me for condemning anyone.
Alright, before accidentally stepping on someone's tail, I digress.
Since elementary school, I had always been an average student. Or at times fell slightly below average but nothing bad enough to worry about. Yet this blog post is not meant to justify myself at all. Just trying to pen down my thoughts and God-willing, let this be helpful to whomever my words might help.
My results for the semester that just ended are out. And I passed. With flying colours.
This is my first time scoring straight A's. Again, not trying to boast. Nevertheless I am proud and happy since my parents are, besides having been serious about college. I always delighted in receiving my grades, this time I was astonished as well, to see all the aces and distinctions. The very first time.
So I finally got the opportunity to experience this, an all-A's transcript. Glory and thanks to God.
Then after a while passed, "so this is just how it feels? Is this all?". It is merely a reflection of how much one worked for towards obtaining the grades. Some deserve theirs, others do not.
In a nutshell, they're just gradings. Aces make you happy, no doubt. But aces are not worth killing for. Please do not let your grades, or the grades of others affect your life, friendships, etc. etc. At the end of the day I found joy in going through the examination with my peers, and more importantly, offering help to those who needed it. The excitement of having obtained straight aces was(is) nothing compared to the joy of sharing and helping.
You must know, I enjoyed examinations while others dreaded them. However, only because of the temporal cease of lessons in the classroom and thus schoolwork as well. I liked exams but never really studied just for the sake of scoring. As young as a child, I had witnessed peers losing freedom and playtime, each time a test was round the corner. I could not be with my best friends, before and during an exam period since their parents grounded them as if they were being prepared for war.
Not trying to boast here, but I never could see the need to study hard for exams in order to do better than the rest of the class. I have seen the ugliness of unhealthy competitions for good grades. Worse still, more often than not, the competitions were among parents. Poor children suffering and bearing burdens that were placed on their shoulders by the parents who keep on comparing. Ugly, and wrong.
Bearing all these in mind, I always(tried to) fulfilled my responsibilities as a student by making some form of preparations for tests. But I was careful not to revised just to pass the exam, treated everything as a learning process instead. Well, maybe except for the
Alright, before accidentally stepping on someone's tail, I digress.
Since elementary school, I had always been an average student. Or at times fell slightly below average but nothing bad enough to worry about. Yet this blog post is not meant to justify myself at all. Just trying to pen down my thoughts and God-willing, let this be helpful to whomever my words might help.
My results for the semester that just ended are out. And I passed. With flying colours.
This is my first time scoring straight A's. Again, not trying to boast. Nevertheless I am proud and happy since my parents are, besides having been serious about college. I always delighted in receiving my grades, this time I was astonished as well, to see all the aces and distinctions. The very first time.
So I finally got the opportunity to experience this, an all-A's transcript. Glory and thanks to God.
Then after a while passed, "so this is just how it feels? Is this all?". It is merely a reflection of how much one worked for towards obtaining the grades. Some deserve theirs, others do not.
In a nutshell, they're just gradings. Aces make you happy, no doubt. But aces are not worth killing for. Please do not let your grades, or the grades of others affect your life, friendships, etc. etc. At the end of the day I found joy in going through the examination with my peers, and more importantly, offering help to those who needed it. The excitement of having obtained straight aces was(is) nothing compared to the joy of sharing and helping.
Friday, September 23
Innocent J
Apparently there's another bald Mr. J in the ward where I am currently posted to, in a mental hospital.
This is a 22 years old cheerful chap whose mood fluctuates. Contrary to his actual age, he is basically a pre-school child in the head. Having intellectual deficit must be really challenging for his family. Having intellectual deficit makes him a big baby, only too hard to control when he gets upset. Because as a child, and throwing temper tantrums is only natural; as a 22 year-old physically fit person, let's just say it's easier to handle a crying little kid who is of size of a little kid. Well, if I were a parent of such a child I'd be heartbroken to send him or her to be looked after by nurses, among other mentally unwell patients.
To be honest I do question his existence, or at the very least, his condition. How could a loving God let such thing happen to Mr. J? What did the boy do to be born with intellectual deficit? Not that I am in any position to question an almighty God. Just being true and honest here.
For the past week I took the opportunity to build rapport with Mr. J and got to know quite a bit about him. He doesn't speak but is able to communicate with simple sign language. Furthermore he is good with numbers. Apparently he only writes numbers, the only alphabets I was able to make him write were those in his first name. I must admit understanding Mr. J has been quite of a challenge.
He shares his snacks, very few of the patients there are willing to. He smiles and make people do the same. He can like or dislike certain persons, just like all people do. He feels happy when his parents come to visit and would feel sad when they had to leave. For all I care, this boy is just like any other boy out there. If not, better. I've never seen him deliberately hurting another person in the ward, I believe he will never harm intentionally. One night as I tucked Mr. J in to bed, he grabbed my head by holding both my ears and smiled. Appearing to be hugging me. I've seen him doing the same to a few of the nurses in the ward before. This might be how he showed love.
Physical touch. Certainly with no erotic intentions at all. So amazing, so innocent. It got me thinking, I actually fall short of Mr. J in many ways. I envy him in certain areas. Hmmm... He stays true to himself. Happy, angry or sad, you can read it on his face. Want something or not, he wouldn't lie. He doesn't wear masks to appear "social friendly" while I remain a hypocrite for most of the time I am out. He is not likely to be aware of sex so he has the previlige of being innocent whereas I can only ever strive for purity, or try not to lose whatever's remained of mine.
Mr. J is happy to be Mr. J.
This is a 22 years old cheerful chap whose mood fluctuates. Contrary to his actual age, he is basically a pre-school child in the head. Having intellectual deficit must be really challenging for his family. Having intellectual deficit makes him a big baby, only too hard to control when he gets upset. Because as a child, and throwing temper tantrums is only natural; as a 22 year-old physically fit person, let's just say it's easier to handle a crying little kid who is of size of a little kid. Well, if I were a parent of such a child I'd be heartbroken to send him or her to be looked after by nurses, among other mentally unwell patients.
To be honest I do question his existence, or at the very least, his condition. How could a loving God let such thing happen to Mr. J? What did the boy do to be born with intellectual deficit? Not that I am in any position to question an almighty God. Just being true and honest here.
For the past week I took the opportunity to build rapport with Mr. J and got to know quite a bit about him. He doesn't speak but is able to communicate with simple sign language. Furthermore he is good with numbers. Apparently he only writes numbers, the only alphabets I was able to make him write were those in his first name. I must admit understanding Mr. J has been quite of a challenge.
He shares his snacks, very few of the patients there are willing to. He smiles and make people do the same. He can like or dislike certain persons, just like all people do. He feels happy when his parents come to visit and would feel sad when they had to leave. For all I care, this boy is just like any other boy out there. If not, better. I've never seen him deliberately hurting another person in the ward, I believe he will never harm intentionally. One night as I tucked Mr. J in to bed, he grabbed my head by holding both my ears and smiled. Appearing to be hugging me. I've seen him doing the same to a few of the nurses in the ward before. This might be how he showed love.
Physical touch. Certainly with no erotic intentions at all. So amazing, so innocent. It got me thinking, I actually fall short of Mr. J in many ways. I envy him in certain areas. Hmmm... He stays true to himself. Happy, angry or sad, you can read it on his face. Want something or not, he wouldn't lie. He doesn't wear masks to appear "social friendly" while I remain a hypocrite for most of the time I am out. He is not likely to be aware of sex so he has the previlige of being innocent whereas I can only ever strive for purity, or try not to lose whatever's remained of mine.
Mr. J is happy to be Mr. J.
Sunday, September 18
Regression
A little boy I wish to be,
'cos a happy one, I used to be.
Fellowship in a joyride
graciously provided for me.
During the hours of happiness,
my heart was ageless.
Words from texts and letters-
were to me, O so precious!
Actions of love and kindness-
every bit, fondly appreciated.
The blessed boy I once was;
is and forever will be
what I wish I'd always be.
© Joel Yap
'cos a happy one, I used to be.
Fellowship in a joyride
graciously provided for me.
During the hours of happiness,
my heart was ageless.
Words from texts and letters-
were to me, O so precious!
Actions of love and kindness-
every bit, fondly appreciated.
The blessed boy I once was;
is and forever will be
what I wish I'd always be.
© Joel Yap
Friday, September 16
Tuesday, September 13
Sleep
I had a good enough day today. Thanks to the 10 hour sleep I fortunately had last night.
Slept at 7PM and got up around 5 o'clock this morning. I understand the importance of sleep and was grateful to have had a good one last night. No waking up to urinate, no loud noises, the temperature was just fine, etc. etc.
By the way, usually it is when I am sick that I would be able to sleep this long. Was(am) I about to fall sick?
Anyway, looking forward to the holidays!
Slept at 7PM and got up around 5 o'clock this morning. I understand the importance of sleep and was grateful to have had a good one last night. No waking up to urinate, no loud noises, the temperature was just fine, etc. etc.
By the way, usually it is when I am sick that I would be able to sleep this long. Was(am) I about to fall sick?
Anyway, looking forward to the holidays!
Friday, September 2
Foto Friday
A portrait of my mom taken over the week.
She's on Facebook! Requested for a new profile picture.
So I gladly offered my services.
Foto Friday
We are beautiful creation;
Unfortunately, in bondage.
We still have each other.
Break free!
Monday, August 29
Walls
An angel from above took me in-
I was in my world wandering.
Spoke words of life
from a honeycomb;
Those eyes of warmth
lightened my soul.
How there used to be great times;
albeit the otherwise too.
I remember me and my angel
going through either.
And both times builded
stronger walls-
protection for our ties.
Walls, I built around us;
Walls, for us;
For me, if I were honest.
Walls, my angel did not want,
since its heart was much larger
than mine.
I became a demon,
when the angel broke the walls
and brought peoples in
between the two of us.
© Joel Yap
Tuesday, August 23
New lens!
Feeling excited over my first purchase on eBay. Happy to own another prime lens with a wide aperture. The Nikon 35mm F1.8D!
Yesterday I put up my 50mm for sale but have not decided on the price yet, even now. Now I'm having second thoughts on selling. My new lens is slightly wider than the earlier, just what I need. But the 50mm is a really good lens with almost no distortion at all. Moreover it has contributed to many good works from my photo collections. Just not sure about letting it go.
Before you start to think I'm a lens fetish, I wanted to sell only due to the lack of spare cash for more and more gear. Besides, I already have the new 35mm.
Choices are like this- giving up what you want to get what you want more.
I'm gonna need a camera bag, flashgun and tripod eventually. Not sure if these are worth saying goodbye to the old 50mm. Anyway the trade won't be able to buy me all of the above.
Having said so much, there were and still are things that I commit my money to. No need to say what but these things are important. And if I were to give up on my worthy commitments for some new hobby, I would despise my own character. Oh, and needless to say saving up for further studies. For my sister's even if not for my own.
We'll see.
Yesterday I put up my 50mm for sale but have not decided on the price yet, even now. Now I'm having second thoughts on selling. My new lens is slightly wider than the earlier, just what I need. But the 50mm is a really good lens with almost no distortion at all. Moreover it has contributed to many good works from my photo collections. Just not sure about letting it go.
Before you start to think I'm a lens fetish, I wanted to sell only due to the lack of spare cash for more and more gear. Besides, I already have the new 35mm.
Choices are like this- giving up what you want to get what you want more.
I'm gonna need a camera bag, flashgun and tripod eventually. Not sure if these are worth saying goodbye to the old 50mm. Anyway the trade won't be able to buy me all of the above.
Having said so much, there were and still are things that I commit my money to. No need to say what but these things are important. And if I were to give up on my worthy commitments for some new hobby, I would despise my own character. Oh, and needless to say saving up for further studies. For my sister's even if not for my own.
We'll see.
Sunday, August 21
One day of silence
My mouth had only ever opened to eat, to drink, and to yawn. For today, and pretty much half of the day before.
Why? Thanks to living alone in a room. No wonder Mr. Bean was so weird, special in his own ways. But he had no problem with his way of living. Maybe living alone, after a period of time, has the potential to make you weird. Haha, I'm just guessing. Anyway I am already not that normal to begin with.
I think I have almost forgotten how it feels to only need to open your mouth to eat, drink and yawn. It has been some time since I spent weekends alone not, talking to anyone. For quite a number of weeks(or months) I had been either hanging out with friends from Kluang, in Singapore; or hanging out with friends in Kluang. Today I get the taste of living alone again.
Well, it's nothing new. Last year I spent many weekends in Singapore alone. And I didn't really speak during the week nights either. Only this year did things change. I became a senior, to a few girls who also aspire to become nurses. And I moved into a new place with course mates. However today I just never spoken to anyone.
I am writing now with no intentions of complaining about my day. Some silence might be good for the soul, as long as it doesn't turn me into an antisocial monster living in its own world. Besides, keeping quiet all day beats talking to myself.
My moments of not talking is going to end soon, once I meet a friend for church soon. You know, it's always glad to have friends in a foreign land.
Why? Thanks to living alone in a room. No wonder Mr. Bean was so weird, special in his own ways. But he had no problem with his way of living. Maybe living alone, after a period of time, has the potential to make you weird. Haha, I'm just guessing. Anyway I am already not that normal to begin with.
I think I have almost forgotten how it feels to only need to open your mouth to eat, drink and yawn. It has been some time since I spent weekends alone not, talking to anyone. For quite a number of weeks(or months) I had been either hanging out with friends from Kluang, in Singapore; or hanging out with friends in Kluang. Today I get the taste of living alone again.
Well, it's nothing new. Last year I spent many weekends in Singapore alone. And I didn't really speak during the week nights either. Only this year did things change. I became a senior, to a few girls who also aspire to become nurses. And I moved into a new place with course mates. However today I just never spoken to anyone.
I am writing now with no intentions of complaining about my day. Some silence might be good for the soul, as long as it doesn't turn me into an antisocial monster living in its own world. Besides, keeping quiet all day beats talking to myself.
My moments of not talking is going to end soon, once I meet a friend for church soon. You know, it's always glad to have friends in a foreign land.
Friday, August 19
Foto Friday
A lazy Friday afternoon
following a one-hour pharmacology paper.
Few more subjects to go!
Year 2 Semester 1.
I must end it well,
for better beginnings.
Thursday, August 18
One step back
As I became politically aware as a late-bloomer, I grew interested in how a nation is run; or should be run. And as I read, listen and learn about how a nation ought to be run, watching how things have been going on in my country, naturally I grew angry. As far as my limited bible knowledge is concerned, my anger towards injustice and the forces of evil is jujstified.
Am I angry towards the wrong that the rulling government is doing, or am I angry with the government?
Every day I feel sad as I turn to the news. Reading of people going about with their business without any fear of God. Race and religion have been diminished to mere political tools to divide and rule. Law now serves the interests of people in power. Et cetera, et cetera. There are hardly any news to make my day. Even if I felt any excitement, it would just be seeing the stupidity of certain people exposed. But this is not joy. It quickly goes away and I end up feeling depressed altogether.
Holy anger. Against what is wrong and unpleasant in God's sight. At which evil trembles at.
Some questions to myself:
Perhaps until my motives are right, I should consider taking a break from reading the news regarding Malaysia.
Perhaps until my motives are right, I am no longer sure of the purpose of my enthusiasm for a better Malaysia, all the prayers and tears.
Am I angry towards the wrong that the rulling government is doing, or am I angry with the government?
Every day I feel sad as I turn to the news. Reading of people going about with their business without any fear of God. Race and religion have been diminished to mere political tools to divide and rule. Law now serves the interests of people in power. Et cetera, et cetera. There are hardly any news to make my day. Even if I felt any excitement, it would just be seeing the stupidity of certain people exposed. But this is not joy. It quickly goes away and I end up feeling depressed altogether.
Holy anger. Against what is wrong and unpleasant in God's sight. At which evil trembles at.
Some questions to myself:
- Are my prayers fueled by anger towards certain groups or love for the country?
- Is my anger motivated by my love for the country?
Perhaps until my motives are right, I should consider taking a break from reading the news regarding Malaysia.
Perhaps until my motives are right, I am no longer sure of the purpose of my enthusiasm for a better Malaysia, all the prayers and tears.
Wednesday, August 10
In Your Kingdom
In Your kingdom, there is truth
In Your kingdom, justice rules
We see Your glory fall in place
Songs of freedom fill the air
As You rule, the unrighteous fall
As You rule, the wicked can not live
The oppressed will shout Your name
And the widows turn to You
As You reign, the lost will be found
As You reign, the blind eyes see
The dead shall sing Your praise
And the lame can run to You
God in heaven, look to us
Hear Your praises rise from earth
We, Your people worship You
Face to face, we are waiting for that Day!
© Joel Yap
Sunday, August 7
Nightmare
Woken up 5 minutes ago by my own dreams! That I went for National Service again.
Need I say more?
Need I say more?
Friday, August 5
Foto Friday
I mentioned a need for a new cell phone soon
during a casual chat with dad one day.
As my current Singaporean phone
could not be recharged anymore.
I never wanted another 'black and white' one though,
nor had I ever intended that dad bought me anything.
And he buys me one.
No, I am not despising the good old solid Nokia phone.
I am glad to have a father who provides.
And shall use it happily as I would a new iPhone.
Perhaps a real new iPhone soon?
Yes, I will pay.
Tuesday, August 2
Dead or Alive?
My fall
due to
your reactance
due to
my haunting
due to
your retreat
due to
my dependence
due to
your love?
Or was it even love?
I, now numb to your absence,
breathe in the knowledge of your death-
my willing-perception.
For it the only way I live;
that you died.
Or else I cannot cope with truth-
your leave.
But how am I supposed to deal
with inconsistencies so real?
You breathe,
when I wish you passed away;
yet I wish not see you die.
Conflicts waging wars
in my impaired mind,
forbids me live free.
Should I view you
as dead or alive?
My heart does not wish to even see you!
Should I think of you
as dead or alive?
© Joel Yap
Friday, July 29
Foto Friday
Shaving, for a good cause.
Though I do not see
how shaving can ease their pain.
To raise awareness, however, yes.
Friday, July 22
Foto Friday
The Bersih 2.0 committee urges Malaysians to wear something yellow on every Saturday to support its cause, until we have clean and fair elections.
For Malaysia.
Monday, July 18
Touch
Happiness.
Dare I claim,
back when we were companions.
Anger.
When you left,
as I rotted in the ground.
Now I know,
my pleasures displeased you.
I should have known.
But you loved me,
didn’t you?
Do not answer.
Quality time.
I craved
for us.
Compassionate words.
Flooding
our conversations.
Acts of service.
My pride gladly
in meeting your needs.
Giving items.
Tokens of thought
I learnt.
Physical touch.
Magic
opened up my heart.
Touch:
my language distorted, abused;
turned me sad and confused.
© Joel Yap
Friday, July 15
Fact about choices
Not to decide is to decide.
I don't want to think about it, means I want to not think about it.
You are not doing anything about it, means you do nothing about it.
I don't want to solve this, means I want to leave this unresolved.
You don't want progress, means you want no progress.
Tuesday, July 12
Mom was here
For the past two nights. She came to Singapore with me on Sunday and went back home this afternoon.
It was nice having her around as my nights were less lonely. Hehe!
And my room becomes bersih each time she comes. 'Killing two birds in one stone,' my teacher taught. I get company, and a cleaner place to live in.
Besides that, my wallet would become a little bit bersih too. Do not misunderstand, I do enjoy spending the extra-than-usual bit of money when she comes. Afterall it is supposed to be her 'break'. Take last night, we went to watch Transformers: Dark of the Moon in digital. I had a great time. The sound system was so good that even mom could tell. Hope she didn't freeze too badly though.
She left today. By bus, in the afternoon.
Sigh, gonna miss her.
It was nice having her around as my nights were less lonely. Hehe!
And my room becomes bersih each time she comes. 'Killing two birds in one stone,' my teacher taught. I get company, and a cleaner place to live in.
Besides that, my wallet would become a little bit bersih too. Do not misunderstand, I do enjoy spending the extra-than-usual bit of money when she comes. Afterall it is supposed to be her 'break'. Take last night, we went to watch Transformers: Dark of the Moon in digital. I had a great time. The sound system was so good that even mom could tell. Hope she didn't freeze too badly though.
She left today. By bus, in the afternoon.
Sigh, gonna miss her.
Saturday, July 9
A pinch of regret
Doing my little part, I called for a simple prayer meeting. A few friends who were willing to wake up early, and I, gathered to pray. After breakfast I rushed home to follow the news regarding the rally. Stuck to Twitter, independent news portals as well as news from the mainstream media. Wonder how many re-tweets have I sent today. I felt almost like a part of the ralliers already. However I really wish I were physically present.
Walking hand in hand, without looking at skin colours of those walking alongside you. Gathering and marching in groups without being intimidated by the Police. For a good cause. To show the world we are serious about clean and fair elections. Fighting together for something right, that's what strengthened the bonds among our forefathers during the hard times Malaysia had gone through. This is a cause by which we can stand up for regardless of race. What more can I say, if given a choice I would never hesitate to be a part of such an occasion.
So what if I had gone? What do I have to offer? See the lawyers, they volunteered to provide legal services for free to demonstrators who were arrested. See the doctors, they volunteered in offering medical attention in case of any injuries and whatsoever. See the journalists who risk their lives to go to where the crowds and policemen were more dangerous, so that we may see and know what was going on.
I am just a student who called for a prayer gathering at the last minute. Nevertheless prayer is so important, but I still feel that my contributions were inadequate.
In conclusion I am just feeling a bit unhappy for not being able to take part in today's rally. This is a moment in history, in which one should feel ashamed if he or she could not care less about.
Called for prayer
Today a few good people of Kluang gathered at 7 o'clock in the morning. To pray for clean and fair elections in conjunction with the Bersih 2.0 rally in Kuala Lumpur this very afternoon.
We were just a bunch of people who cannot make it for the rally, but cannot sit still and do nothing as well. At least for me, my whole body just feels uncomfortable, at the knowledge that people are out there protesting and demanding for more democracy and fairness in elections; while I just sit back minding my own business. I must contribute. If this is a good cause, to bring about change to the nation, I must contribute. However little I have to offer.
To make things clear, this is not about which political party to support. Which is another story altogether. Bersih 2.0 seeks clean elections! Say in a soccer match, we're more concerned about the referee rather than which team wins. Just want everyone to play fair.
Currently following closely the news regarding today's Bersih 2.0 rally.
Praying for the nation, beyond just one rally. Change is not easy, change will face oppositions and antagonisms. Pray with me for justice to prevail.
We were just a bunch of people who cannot make it for the rally, but cannot sit still and do nothing as well. At least for me, my whole body just feels uncomfortable, at the knowledge that people are out there protesting and demanding for more democracy and fairness in elections; while I just sit back minding my own business. I must contribute. If this is a good cause, to bring about change to the nation, I must contribute. However little I have to offer.
To make things clear, this is not about which political party to support. Which is another story altogether. Bersih 2.0 seeks clean elections! Say in a soccer match, we're more concerned about the referee rather than which team wins. Just want everyone to play fair.Currently following closely the news regarding today's Bersih 2.0 rally.
Praying for the nation, beyond just one rally. Change is not easy, change will face oppositions and antagonisms. Pray with me for justice to prevail.
Thursday, July 7
Bersih 2.0
- Clean the electoral roll
- Reform postal ballot
- Use of indelible ink
- Minimum 21 days campaign period
- Free and fair access to media
- Strengthen public institutions
- Stop corruption
- Stop dirty politics
Bersih is a coalition of NGOs who wish to demand that Malaysia's Election Committee do a better job. You may search for its details online because this is my simple explanation about Bersih. Basically they're sick of looking at the incompetence and biasness in how the Election Committee functioned. So they wanna rally and demand that democracy is practised in this country.
Bersih is not supposed to be politically skewed. It does not serve any political body. The Bersih people discuss their demands, plan for their rally and invite the public as well as political parties to join them in a walk to democracy. However the current rulling government might not like Bersih for they-know-what reasons. So they feel threatened. And they make things difficult for Bersih 2.0 to happen.
The last General Election was in 2008, looks like one will be happening soon. Anytime this year or next, perhaps? If the Bersih 2.0 movement brings about some change in how the coming General Election is run, and if elections are held with justice and fairness due to this change, if Bersih 2.0 is what it takes for such change, I wish to be a part of it. Of course, being Malaysian long enough I've learnt to be skeptical towards anything to do with good happening in Malaysia. However I still can choose to believe in miracles. Just like how I can choose whom I would like to rule over me when I am eligible to vote. By the way hoping that I, and many other people my age or younger, would not need to register in order to be eligible to vote upon turning 21. Really hoping I can make it for the rally in KL, trying to find ways to get to and get out of there. Just wanna start doing more than just praying silently and talking loudly.
I believe in the demands of Bersih 2.0 and my prayers are with and for them.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for justice, for they will be satisfied.
Sunday, July 3
Stupid
IS A WORD I ought to use less frequently. It may sound acceptable to you but it might not to another. Whenever I hang out with my mates we often call each other "bodoh" just for fun. I always thought it was alright as long as we meant no harm. The word stupid had no intentions of aggression whatsoever, its use was purely fellowship-functional.
Again, it may sound acceptable to you but it might not to another. I should have seen it coming. No two persons are the same. We are all created uniquely, each blessed with his or her own personality. We all differ in sensitivities toward various matters. I had been calling a friend stupid without knowing she was hurt.
Perhaps we should all think twice before calling each other names. Even though no offence is meant. Especially when no offence is meant.
Again, it may sound acceptable to you but it might not to another. I should have seen it coming. No two persons are the same. We are all created uniquely, each blessed with his or her own personality. We all differ in sensitivities toward various matters. I had been calling a friend stupid without knowing she was hurt.
Perhaps we should all think twice before calling each other names. Even though no offence is meant. Especially when no offence is meant.
Saturday, July 2
Misfortunes
He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.Matthew 5:45b
This is definitely not the first time you hear someone asking "Why do bad things happen to good people?", this is definitely not the first time I am asking this too. And I bet everyone had, in some point of their lives, asked this question before, be it to others or to themselves.
Many times I just have to wonder why must this world be so unfair. To me. To my loved ones. To strangers whom I perceive to be faultless for their misfortunes. This is a fact- good people can end up in harsh circumstances which they do not deserve to be in.
Blame it on God. Blame your neighbour. Blame yourself. Blame it on luck!
And we all know that God works for the good of those who love Him.
Be strong!
Monday, June 20
Bishop
You became a bishop
I was on your side
when I became one like you
we could never meet again
I then realised
How foolish
was I
© Joel Yap
Wednesday, June 15
RM1.8million Facebook pages
Just read in the papers today that the Malaysian Tourism Ministry had spent over RM1.8million to setup and maintain 6 Facebook pages! Actually I learned about the news yesterday. And my first reaction was like..... Well my first reaction isn't important.
So much money?! Come on, Facebook is free. Even my niece, in her tender age of 8 knows how to setup an account for herself, by herself. Why couldn't the Ministry make use of its tech-savvy MP's? And if they're willing, I'm sure many youths can jolly well do a good job too. For free.
6 Facebook pages for more than 1.8 million Ringgit?! Why do I always hear such jokes happening in Malaysia? This is what you get when you let clowns run the country- jokes. Worse still, clowns who do not fear the rakyat. Spend our money like we would neither know nor care. By the way, if any form of corruption were to come to light this time, no need to worry also lah, sure got happy endings anyway. At most, those found guilty would just be transferred or demoted. Nobody's gonna get sacked. Our government is so gracious. Somehow when rulers rule badly, they just get their powers diminished, not taken away. Our government doesn't fire its kakitangan. How nice.
Malaysia boleh!
By the way, since we have such expensive Ministry of Tourism Facebook pages, we mustn't let them go to waste. Might as well access everyday. I think I'd better set one as my browser's homepage lah. Don't waste OUR RM1.8million!
So much money?! Come on, Facebook is free. Even my niece, in her tender age
6 Facebook pages for more than 1.8 million Ringgit?! Why do I always hear such jokes happening in Malaysia? This is what you get when you let clowns run the country- jokes. Worse still, clowns who do not fear the rakyat. Spend our money like we would neither know nor care. By the way, if any form of corruption were to come to light this time, no need to worry also lah, sure got happy endings anyway. At most, those found guilty would just be transferred or demoted. Nobody's gonna get sacked. Our government is so gracious. Somehow when rulers rule badly, they just get their powers diminished, not taken away. Our government doesn't fire its kakitangan. How nice.
Malaysia boleh!
By the way, since we have such expensive Ministry of Tourism Facebook pages, we mustn't let them go to waste. Might as well access everyday. I think I'd better set one as my browser's homepage lah. Don't waste OUR RM1.8million!
Sunday, June 12
Thinking about Marriage
It is hard to deny that my age is catching up though I do not wish to speak like an old man because I really am not one yet! What I am trying to say is that I am no longer as young as I like to be anymore. Already passed the stage whereby all I ever had to worry about was "what to play next?" and there were people to make sure I ate and grew well. Have already transitioned out of childhood and started taking on responsibilities little by little every year. During my secondary schooling years, mom gave me weekly pocket money. And if I ever missed a day at school, the money for that day would be deducted in my allowances for the next week. One of mother's ways of making sure I did not miss school intentionally. By the time I started driving, dad gave me my allowances every fortnight. I had to budget more carefully because it is not too nice to say, "Can I have some money please?" to mom and dad when the cash ran out, even though they would probably give it. Ever since being able to drive, I took more control over my life.
Now I live in Singapore, for the purpose of pursuing my studies to become a nurse. I have a BMW, that is Bus+MRT+Walk. If you get the joke, you get it; if you don't, no need to worry about it.
Anyway, I am out of home. Receiving monthly allowances and paying rent. More responsibilities. And I am surrounded by girls, thanks to enrolling into a female-abundant course, by the way. Sometimes it is difficult not to wish to think about marriage. Okay, maybe most people my age have not started thinking about marriage yet; but they certainly think about courtship. For some, desperately. Nevertheless I do not expect fairy tale-like courtships with girls around me. Physical attractions, that leads to puppy love followed by broken hearts, are just nothing but a waste of time. And money.
What I am thinking about looking for is a woman whom I can spend my life and share my life with, together until we age and die. For as long as my breath shall last, I wish to love and protect her. I look forward to a practical, romantic friendship that lasts.
One problem, no girl lah! Hahaha... Talk so much for what? Never go and find the person to share that relationship with! So, I had been sort of scanning around for "suitable candidates" whilst continue thinking about marriage and what would married life be like. Not forgetting getting on with daily life as per normal. By the way, I do not insist on getting married. Can and will be fine either way.
With every look at the potential people I might like to "explore courtship" with, and asking God "Who is the right woman?" it all boils down to this question, "Will I be the right man for my right woman?" and I dare not set one eye on any of those girls anymore. Am I even ready for marriage yet? There are nice girls around, very few attract me and even fewer make me think of marriage. However, so what if I had found my potential spouse, or not. Am I ready for marriage? Everytime I think about what would life look like after the wedding, I think about how am I maturing to be worthy of marriage.
Love is patient.
Thursday, June 2
Acts 2:44-46
"All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts..." Acts 2:44-46
This is the fellowship of Jesus' believers after His death on earth and ascent to heaven. See the faith and enthusiasm they had, sharing everything together!
I'm sure times were tough back then. If one did not work, he and his family did not eat. Many of the believers of Jesus were probably of, if not among the lower classes of society. Yet they were willing to look beyond their own needs to feed each other. I mean, the most logical thing to do through the history of mankind, even in today's time, especially in today's time, is to look out for ourselves first.
In the financially polarised society during the Roman rule, many of the local Jews in Israel were likely poor and had not many possessions. So poor that even two copper coins were all the widow at the temple had to live on. (See Luke 21: 3,4) However, of course, there were the wealthy as well.
In a nutshell, little is much to he who owns little; and much is little to he who owns plenty. Some of Jesus' early believers sold their possessions and shared everything they had, helped the poor, worshipped, fellowshipped and dined together everyday. Be it that they(the believers) owned little or plenty, everyone was equal, everybody shared. What a beautiful thing to do, and what an unimaginable sight. Unimaginable especially when people are just so caught up with materialism. Piling up as much possessions as they can. I struggle as well.
I could only imagine or hope to be blessed with a just few close friends to share meals and stuff with. We could confide in each other, remind one another of the Lord's second coming and help give encouragement to run this race. Fellowship is important. What about being relevant to the world while not conforming to its values? Money is important too. Yet money comes and go away. How many of your friends today value friendship with you more than their money? How many of you are able to really share. This is a good fight, this is not an easy battle to win, without Christians staying united as well as plugged in to Christ's strength.
I could only imagine if I had friends to share resources with; without taking advantage of each other's vulnerability.
Sunday, May 29
Light promise
It has been over a month now, since Mr. W and I first got to know each other in the hospital where I was posted to for a clinical attachment. During which he was discharged and transferred for rehabilitation and step-down care. Since then, our client-nurse relationship turned into friendship as I started visiting him.
Two days ago I bought him newspapers and some extra breakfast. This was my last visit besides today's. He wanted me to come this morning to bring the Sunday newspapers and perhaps some roti canai, so I told him I would do so(today) two days ago.
In other words I was supposed to go see him this morning. However I nearly woke up late for church. Totally went on with the day's activities without calling Mr. W to inform him that I would visit later during the day. He called me by noon. I explained that I might bring him the newspapers in the evening as I was out in town. And I did. Just came back from the hospital, by the way.
Sigh, now as I look back, did I take my promise to Mr. W too lightly? I knew he wouldn't(couldn't) mind because I am practically one of his only friends around. In fact, I visit him more frequently than any members of his family and friends. Not to mention I have absolutely no obligation to visit him at all in the first place.
A promise is a promise nonetheless.
I said I would visit him in the morning but only showed up in the evening. A man is as good as his word. I feel sorry for taking a promise too lightly no matter how "light" this promise was meant to be.
Two days ago I bought him newspapers and some extra breakfast. This was my last visit besides today's. He wanted me to come this morning to bring the Sunday newspapers and perhaps some roti canai, so I told him I would do so(today) two days ago.
In other words I was supposed to go see him this morning. However I nearly woke up late for church. Totally went on with the day's activities without calling Mr. W to inform him that I would visit later during the day. He called me by noon. I explained that I might bring him the newspapers in the evening as I was out in town. And I did. Just came back from the hospital, by the way.
Sigh, now as I look back, did I take my promise to Mr. W too lightly? I knew he wouldn't(couldn't) mind because I am practically one of his only friends around. In fact, I visit him more frequently than any members of his family and friends. Not to mention I have absolutely no obligation to visit him at all in the first place.
A promise is a promise nonetheless.
I said I would visit him in the morning but only showed up in the evening. A man is as good as his word. I feel sorry for taking a promise too lightly no matter how "light" this promise was meant to be.
Friday, May 27
Foto Friday
Finally got my hands on Love Shine Through
music album by Tim Hughes.
Excellent cover design!
Can't wait to listen to the songs.
Sunday, May 22
Sister in NS
Matriculation? Harap maaf...
Teachers' training college? Harap maaf...
National Service? Tahniah!
That's the goodness of our oh so wonderful Malaysian government towards my sister. See how well they are to her.
What more shall I say? Could I stop if I were to start talking about how I feel with regards to my sister's plight?
Keep out. I will bite.
Wednesday, May 18
Watch what you watch
Feeling bored? Wondering what to turn to when you're done with the stuff you usually read?(Or you don't read so much?) When you cannot sleep and your iTunes playlist starts to bore you a bit, what do you do?
I watch some movies and TV series online during my free time. Illegal? Sue me.
Recently, I took noticed; the new shows I tend to pick usually have to do with crime. Not trying to say anything, but some people have turned violent after watching too much violent stuff, no? I seen documentaries of sex maniacs and serial rapists who claim they would not had been what they were, if not for pornography during their teenage years.
You are what you eat. What enters your body will inevitably change you from within, given time. Surely there is more than just food to the mouth. We have sound waves and visible light; coming to our ears and eyes.
Just a reminder to myself, reminding myself out loud here so that readers who stumble upon this blog post might be blessed(warned) too.
Better watch what you are watching.
I watch some movies and TV series online during my free time. Illegal? Sue me.
Recently, I took noticed; the new shows I tend to pick usually have to do with crime. Not trying to say anything, but some people have turned violent after watching too much violent stuff, no? I seen documentaries of sex maniacs and serial rapists who claim they would not had been what they were, if not for pornography during their teenage years.
You are what you eat. What enters your body will inevitably change you from within, given time. Surely there is more than just food to the mouth. We have sound waves and visible light; coming to our ears and eyes.
Just a reminder to myself, reminding myself out loud here so that readers who stumble upon this blog post might be blessed(warned) too.
Better watch what you are watching.
Monday, May 16
The Sky is Singing
The sky is singing,
pouring life unto earth.
Its cotton soaked through,
bringing rain to us.
The sky is roaring,
we can not disrespect.
The sound of thunders dance,
loudness fills below.
Waters from above reaching
right beneath the ground.
Passing by our eyes,
through centuries of soil;
Springs of well-being,
blessings be mankind to.
© Joel Yap
From a distance
"Emo-ing" today.
I could ever only watch from a distance?
Not much interaction, not much friendship possiblilities. So I was taught this evening.
Studying sociology. I believe it makes me smarter. Able to make informed decisions, scientific data to back rationales. Chances of going wrong may be reduced. Yet I feel even more depressed after today's lesson.
I could ever only watch from a distance?
"Emo-ing" today.
I could ever only watch from a distance?
Not much interaction, not much friendship possiblilities. So I was taught this evening.
Studying sociology. I believe it makes me smarter. Able to make informed decisions, scientific data to back rationales. Chances of going wrong may be reduced. Yet I feel even more depressed after today's lesson.
I could ever only watch from a distance?
"Emo-ing" today.
Monday, May 9
Surprise phone call
It rang, when I wanted to go to bed. Yes, I plan to go to bed this early but I guess I have enough time for one blog post here and now.
I was feeling a little homesick so I occupied myself by having some fun in editing a few old photographs taken few months back. As I was done with the last piece for the night I wanted to make my way to the bathroom already. Suddenly the mobile phone rang. "This is odd, my Singaporean phone doesn't ring often," I thought. So I picked it up, and immediately recognised the voice on the other side! It was Mr. W speaking in his unique accent which was and most probably always will be, pleasant to my ears despite my difficulty understanding him at times.
Looks like an ex-patient has been missing me. Or maybe he is now out of wet tissues, which I gave to him, by the way. I had been visitting him on and off for a few weeks now, ever since his discharge from Tan Tock Seng Hospital.
Anyway, I'll see him in the morning. After buying Tamil newspapers and perhaps some food. Speaking of which, sometimes it's fun to watch the expression on the cashier's face(and maybe some customers' too) whenever I go to buy Tamil newspapers. At times they might not even resist checking with me, "Do you know this is in Tamil?" and I always enjoy replying "Yes!" to them. And whenever Mr. W offers me payment for the stuff I bring along during my visits, I reject him gladly. However I appreciate his appreciation even more!
This was the first time he called me.
Oh what joy it is to put a smile on Mr. W's face.
I was feeling a little homesick so I occupied myself by having some fun in editing a few old photographs taken few months back. As I was done with the last piece for the night I wanted to make my way to the bathroom already. Suddenly the mobile phone rang. "This is odd, my Singaporean phone doesn't ring often," I thought. So I picked it up, and immediately recognised the voice on the other side! It was Mr. W speaking in his unique accent which was and most probably always will be, pleasant to my ears despite my difficulty understanding him at times.
Looks like an ex-patient has been missing me. Or maybe he is now out of wet tissues, which I gave to him, by the way. I had been visitting him on and off for a few weeks now, ever since his discharge from Tan Tock Seng Hospital.
Anyway, I'll see him in the morning. After buying Tamil newspapers and perhaps some food. Speaking of which, sometimes it's fun to watch the expression on the cashier's face(and maybe some customers' too) whenever I go to buy Tamil newspapers. At times they might not even resist checking with me, "Do you know this is in Tamil?" and I always enjoy replying "Yes!" to them. And whenever Mr. W offers me payment for the stuff I bring along during my visits, I reject him gladly. However I appreciate his appreciation even more!
This was the first time he called me.
Oh what joy it is to put a smile on Mr. W's face.
Monday, May 2
Did you say you won't let go?
Tell me why
did you say you won't let go?
Did you say you won't let go?
Tell me why.
I was a kite in the sky
clinging to your caring hands.
You wanted me to soar on high;
tell me why did you let go.
Holding on to you-
everything that meant to me.
Alas, there were thorns
the strings attached.
Justified, you may let me go?
If I ever hear from you,
tell me why.
Friday, April 22
Sunday, April 17
Never Enough
Everything I gave
Every word I spake
Never enough for you
When the morning waked
Time for you to rise
Your idle hands were tied
All the victories
All those battles won
Did nothing for your good
See the blood you shed
Every tear I cried
Your bitterness remains
Bless the past we shared
Bless the love I’ve shown
You always failed to see
© Joel Yap
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